@joshbupkes: when you're a kid you're like "how do actors cry so easily?" and when you grow up you're like "how is anyone ever not crying?"
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@EndhooS: *stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset* Sara? *Gets down on one knee* *audible gasp* "Yes?" Help my knee is made of magnets
@JonasPolsky: Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
@briancthayer: *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.
@SteveSuckington: My niece thinks she's more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven. His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?