once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
You Might Also Like
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.