You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
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[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
eggs benadryl
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard