Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
RT if you could go either way.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started