13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
okay run it by me one more time
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do