BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
You Might Also Like
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid