When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
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My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening