@007Pepe_Rex: When you're in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn't slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
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@mugkip: "DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT" doc: u got lou gherrigs disease *cops barge in* ur under arrest "FOR WHAT" cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Daddy, what's a facial? Me: Your brother. 5yo: I don't have a brother!? Me: Exactly!
@Thedudish: As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her "Need a bigger size?" I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
@LucyLouMcB: You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let's do it; I've already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so....