When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
so weird how every mom was born today
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”