When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Wait for it
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves