[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
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They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.