Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
You Might Also Like
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.