[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Where is your GOD now????
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Optional boss fight.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.