Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
You Might Also Like
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH