When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
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[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”