I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
You Might Also Like
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking