[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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are they though??
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
These are my roll models.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.