Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
You Might Also Like
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective