@faizziy: Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he's calling me to sell Amway products..
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@Eagle_Vision: My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
@truegritrumble: (At My Funeral) FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20. ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
@withanewname: "Doc, my boyfriend & I don't wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn't working." "What kind are you using?" "Grape"
@Thing_Finder: I hate when I can't remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I'm like a minesweeper in the mornings.