Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
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Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm