THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Strangers have the best candy.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.