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*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.