Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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The only good comments section online is on recipes
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
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If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!