@Home_Halfway: Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."
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@AndyAsAdjective: My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I've never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
@WilliamAder: I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
@handsock_butts: Me: I didn't get anything this year. Do you think Santa's magic...is running out? Wife: Santa isn't real Me: Don't lie to save my feelings
@Jake_Sniff: [girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge [CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my "secretly move in with her" plan