Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti