whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
A leaf blower, but for people.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE