@Cheeseboy22: Whenever I am with my family and someone says, "Wow, you have a beautiful family!" I reply, "Well, we left the ugly ones at home."
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@fightforfood: A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
@Diversion50: "Get Well Soon" is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.