Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
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Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
A bold strategy
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.