@Cheeseboy22: Whenever I am with my family and someone says, "Wow, you have a beautiful family!" I reply, "Well, we left the ugly ones at home."
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@Springaling85: Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying "you never called! Our son is 5 now" then walk away....always brightens my day
@TheAlexNevil: 7: Where are you and Mom going tonight? Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.
@PellMull: I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card. "Ok what do we got here?"
@Breadery: My daughter: I know everything Me: What's the capital of brazil? My daughter: that's a secret