me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football