Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Festive toon…
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
starting a garage orchestra
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.