Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
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Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.