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(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?