I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long