Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My patience has stretch marks.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years