Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
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Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.