Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Well. That’s not a good sign.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Had to try this trend 😊
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Yup!
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour