The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.