Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
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I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.