Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.