Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
December birthdays be like…
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
there has never been a better use of this meme
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.