@Parentpains: Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can't help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
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@iwearaonesie: wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun! wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
@blaha_Who: You don't know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
@onion_an: Dentist: I'm going to take your tooth out Me: Ok then [later that evening] Dentist: Well this is nice My tooth: I'm having a lovely time