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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy