I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
omg leave her alone
#Caturday
you have three unread messages
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.