@shanethevein: Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in "I recommend the squirrel".
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@shutupmikeginn: [Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn't help notice you were admiring my hand vests.
@ArfMeasures: GF: I'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital ME: That'll be great, we really need the beds
@MikeLonghelt: It's never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it's too late.
@UncleDuke1969: "Daddy, are vampires real?" "No, sweetie. Go back to bed." *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*