Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.