Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
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nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
a god among men
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back