Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
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i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Get off my horse you stupid moon
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Boom, boom, ching!
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.