Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You Might Also Like
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?