Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*