Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My teenage children choosing violence
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.