Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?