Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
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I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
WTF IS THAT!
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.