Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
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Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something