Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish