@Squeeb_Slayer: Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper "I'd never do that to you"
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@fixyourcompass: My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'. I said: May divorce be with you...
@novicefather: You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don't like you and she likes everyone.
@hammbone84: If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.