@Squeeb_Slayer: Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper "I'd never do that to you"
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@dhumann: Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
@ClassyKentucky: T: Have you done your homework? S: You graded my test? T: No I have other student's stuff to grade S: I have other teacher's homework to do.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids? Me: When are you going to stop?
@Eightinchgoat: Her: I LOVE your beard! Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too! Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.