Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
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Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days