Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
You Might Also Like
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!