whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*