@heroofthehour: whenever I see "likes her own status" on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
@AngelaEhh: People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you'll miss them when they're grown and gone. I like to call those people liars.