@heroofthehour: whenever I see "likes her own status" on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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@PastorBate: [crowded elevator] Alright I'm a little concerned about the capacity so let's all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*
@Alex_LaVallee: HUGE shout out to Will Smith! With out him we never would have survived the alien attack in '96. Happy Independence Day!
@Danny_McH2O: Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
@realHamOnWry: I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.