whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
*performs CPR on the turkey*
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.