whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I have obtained a hat
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Sunday
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it