@jonnysun: whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper "dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow"
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@StoferComic: An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don't really expect much to happen...
@bingowings14: First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out. Because they do my head in.
@Purpell_Nurpell: People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I've never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
@DanMentos: confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?