whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
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[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Left at a local drug store…
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there