Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side