@mattingebretson: Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say "you did that"
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@a_man_named_JED: School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free
@WhosTheresa: I could've had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.
@just1fool: My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I'm wondering who her real dad is.