In Canada they just call them geese
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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?