@mattingebretson: Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say "you did that"
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@T_Bonezzz_: Waiter: What can I get for you? Me: Steak, please. W: How would you like that cooked? M: By anyone other than my wife
@d_duhwit: Elf cop:"We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf! *Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*